Monday, June 20, 2005

Greg vs. Peter vs. Bobby

I think I have solved a gay equation. It is my firm belief, based on the large, yet somewhat geographically-limited number of people with whom I have talked, that there is something to the fact that in most gay relationships (the successful and the semi-successful ones), one in a couple is the older brother in his family, and the other is a younger brother.

Exhibit A: I am the oldest brother in my family. I have one older sister, but two younger brothers, so I am the oldest son. I have been in five serious relationships in the last 20 years: Geoff (heretofore known as Ex#1), Dane (Ex#2), Chad (Ex#3), Frankie (Ex#4) and Jon (Ex#5). All five of them were the youngest brother in their families. Exes# 1, 4 and 5 all have one older sister, while Ex#2 and Ex#3 have one older brother.

You're thinking about this now, aren't you?

I have tested my theory out on my friends. It has worked 98% of the time. My roommate Ashley tried to trip me up because he once dated our friend Kevin F. - both Ashley and Kevin F. are twins. HOWEVER, Ashley is the first born twin, and Kevin F. is the second.

Now this is not a theory based on the older man/younger man syndrome. The older brother could be younger than the younger brother, or even the same age (admittedly this really sounds weird). It has nothing to do with age and everything to do with birth order. Using me again, this time as Exhibit B: Ex#1 is older than I by two years, but the other four are all younger (some significantly so). I seriously think there is something to the birth order/gay attraction idea. Even if the “older brother” is younger than the “younger brother”, there must be something in our demeanors and personalities that attract us to the other. The traits of the older brother are usually perfectionism, logical, organized, a leader, while younger brothers are carefree, creative, even-tempered, frequently spoiled, followers.

But what if one in the couple is an only child? The “only child” has been summarized as one who likes being the center of adult attention, often has difficulty sharing with peers, prefers adult company, and uses adult language. In my theory, an “only child” is equivalent to the “youngest son”.

So, according to the "Dop Theory on Gay Birth Order Attraction", there are just two groups: the oldest, and all the others. Because it technically doesn’t matter if you are the second, third, eighth or youngest – the paradigm is still present. There is an older brother and a younger brother. And they seem to migrate to each other naturally.

It’s just a thought, but it’s a fun thought; unless of course some team of scientists in Amsterdam has studied this already and no one told me anything about it. But try it out on your gay friends, even the single ones, and see what the ratio is. And if anyone knows of any funding out there where I can travel the world to continue testing my theory - you know where to reach me.