Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Holiday Guilt

I am admittedly having some guilty feelings following Christmas this year. When I moved to Chicago in September, I decided to go home for only one holiday this time, and I chose Thanksgiving.

My decision had nothing to do with being with my family. I know I am a strange duck when it comes to them; unlike many gay men, I actually adore both my parents, and my relationship with my siblings is very close. I actually enjoy being around those people. Missing Christmas with them was difficult for me, especially given the summer I had. When Dad had his surgery (same type as mine) back in 2001, we were all so grateful to be together on Christmas that it made the holiday that much more special. Now I feel like I dropped the ball for my team on this one. In hindsight, I should have made more of an effort to be home so that no one might have the troubling thought of "well, this is what it might have been like had Dop not pulled through" (whether you admit it or not, I don't think you can actually help but have those thoughts, however fleeting).

Part of me still feels a bit guilty for having put my family and friends through my ordeal. I know it wasn't my fault, but I still feel bad that so much of a fuss was caused over me. And now I feel guilty that I didn't try harder to not cause more fuss. It was all about me for so long, that I didn't stop to think about my family, and how it might be important to THEM for me to be around, whether or not it was an inconvenience for me. I should have thought of them as much as they thought of me.