Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Swank/Lowe D-I-V-O-R-C-E

All I can say about this is: What the hell took so long?

I have always thought of them as an odd couple. Hilary Swank's obviously got more testosterone than Chad Lowe, and besides that, his name is Chad. Chaaaaaaaaaaaad. Is there a gayer name out there? Is it possible to say that name without adding all the extra A's? I think not.

Hilary has won two Academy Awards, both for portraying women who secretly desire (in one way or another) to be men. Dare we say coincidence? Again, I think not. It's of course a given that her portrayals were examples of her flawless acting ability, but I think it's time she takes off the strap-on and puts on a fur bikini for the remake of 1 Billion Years B.C. Playing a suffragette wasn't enough. You worked hard on that bod, Hil, so show it off, girl! You got a backside to die for.

Chad's career has been, well ... how shall we put this? ... buried so deep in the Atlantic that even James Cameron can't get to it (oh, wait, there was that afterschool special back in 1988,
No Means No - the viewer comments alone would be enough to make me live in a cave on a mountain). I mean it's bad enough that your wife can pass for a more masculine man that you, but add on top of that being Rob "He Sets My Heart On 'St. Elmo's Fire'" Lowe's younger and not-nearly-as-attractive brother. Well, I'd just kill myself.

A friend of mine photographed their apartment back in 2001 for Apartment Living, or something like that. He said that while Hilary was fascinated with the camera and lighting and how it all worked (foreshadowing a possible directorial debut?), Chaaaad was flitting about ("flitting" - his word, not mine) moving flowers, playing with their 2 parrots and fussing with his shirt collar (the joke about wondering who wears the pants in that family is just wasted here).

Admittedly, it is sad when a couple, especially a young one, just doesn't make it. And they were together for eight years -- that's nothing to sneeze at. But perhaps it is for the best. Even though I can't see either of them dating anytime soon, Hilary can now move on and find someone who is on par with her celebrity status, and Chad can settle down with a nice she-male in San Francisco.