Thursday, September 14, 2006

How Big Are You?

The other day in the gym, I was unfortunately privy to a conversation two machines over involving two twinks who, together, could bench 100 pounds. This conversation was not about working out, however. Oh no. It was about sex. And by sex I mean dick size.

Both twinks were, apparently, bottoms. The conversation went something like this:

Twink A: I don't know who she thought she was kidding.
Twink B: Oh totes. Like she could even handle that.

Twink A: She's a mess.

Twink B: Well I need at least - AT LEAST - 9 inches or it's over.

Twink A: You're preaching to the choir, sister. Gimme 10, 11, hell 12 and make me feel it!

Twink B: For real.

And after I shook off the twinkie cooties, I thought to myself, Is that supposed to be a selling point? Is being able to take something that is 12+ inches long supposed to make you more appealing? If you need something the size of a road cone in order to feel sexually satisfied, doesn't that say something about YOU?

I think it should be changed. I think, instead of the bottom asking the top "how big are you", I think the top should now ask the bottom "how gaping are you". Are you kitchen drain size or closer to Holland Tunnel size? Are we talking paper towel holder or The Big Dig? How about this: If we put a potato chip up in there and you competed in a triathlon, would the chip break?

Personally, I don't want to be with anyone who can take me and my five best friends, all at the same time. Perhaps being able to do it is something to be proud of - in private - but I don't think putting it out there is a good thing. It makes you sound . . . well . . . slutty. I'd rather be with someone who could not handle it, as opposed to both of us not feeling anything.


  1. Didn't you know 6" is the new 12"

    I'm sure if those twinks saw a real life 12 incher they'd grab their coats and go screaming!

    (ha ha - my word verify was cmltoe)

  2. Exactly. Well said.

  3. nailed it with your very LAST sentence. Well said!

  4. amen. otherwise it's like throwing a salami down a hallway

  5. I believe it was Stewie Griffin on 'Family Guy' who said to two worn looking prostitutes:

    So - is there any tread left on that thing or is it like throwing a hotdog down a hallway?

  6. Dop - I am right there with you. Back in my single days, when guys would ask me how big I was, I'd shoot it right back to them - "How loose are you?" It was an immediate turnoff for me and meant we most likely would not get together.

  7. I think they were discussing the lengths of their knitting needles.

  8. Hmmm...what gym do you go to again?


  9. Amen, brother.

  10. There really is such a thing is too much of a good thing. If someone came at me with a 12-inch tool, it wouldn't fit in any of my holes, and really, that's just no fun for anyone.

  11. Its twinks like that that make me LOATHE the scene! They should just stay at home with their 'huge 18 inch flesh-like dildo's that, ya know, they take all the way in, cause, ya know, their so able to take it'!! Get a life kiddies! Or get a real cock up ya and THEN start telling stories. Actually, just shut the fuck up & leave it in the bedroom/backroom/car. Do they know how stupid they sound?? As Michael said, if they saw one in reality, they wouldn't know what to do with it!

  12. I like the "Goldicocks" (and the 3 bears if you will?) analogy -- the first cock was too small, and the second cock was faaarrr too big, and the third cock was juuuuuuuuuuuuust right..

    But seriously, I don't think it's the fact that these guys (apparently) need something huge in their arse to get off (lots of guys are into some crazy stuff).

    I'm sure these two himbo's could have been talking about anything and their conversation would fill you equally with a rage that burned like a thousand suns. People like that are just irritating no matter what they're doing.

    Funnily enough the general analogy people would make about this kind of competetive conversation is the "my penis is bigger than yours" one -- in this case it's "my hole is bigger than yours".

    I'm not quite sure why that is something to brag about but whatever.. on the bright side neither of them are going to breed in a hurry.