Thursday, November 30, 2006

The Dumbest Christmas Song Ever Written

Now I am as sentimental as the next guy, especially when it comes to the combination of mothers and Christmas. But there is a Christmas song I have been hearing over the last 5 years or so that wins the Yuletide Velveeta Award for its oustandingly cheesy attempt at melodrama (I hate forced sentiment). And it's not enough that it is a crappy song, it's also a book, and a television movie starring Rob Lowe.

Obviously written to attempt a tug at the heart strings, "Christmas Shoes" simply falls way short and lands someplace between hokey and trailerpark. The premise: a little boy in a store on Christmas Eve buying a pair of "Christmas shoes" for his dying mother.

Yeahhhhhhhhhhh . . . . . . . .

If I was that close to death that my spouse would tell my children on Christmas Eve that there's "not much time" left, the last thing I want is a pair of new shoes - especially the kind that my 8 year old kid would buy me. I'm all for keeping children occupied during a crisis, but sending your son out to buy your wife a pair of pumps to wear when she "meets Jesus" is just a little too bizarre for me. The weird thing is that this song sounds alot like the Fruit of the Loom commerical where the Apple sings "You Can't Overlove Your Underwear" (only I like the underwear song more).

Here are the lyrics to "Christmas Shoes":

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line.
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood.
Standing right in front of me, was a little boy waiting anxiously.
Pacing 'round like little boys do.
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes...
His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe.
And when it came his time to pay,
I couldn't believe what I heard him say.

"Sir, I want to buy these shoes, for my Mama, please...
It's Christmas Eve...and these shoes are just her size...
Could you hurry, Sir, Daddy says there's not much time...
You see she's been sick for quite a while...
And I know these shoes, would make her smile.
And I want her to look beautiful, if Mama meets Jesus tonight..."

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically.
Then he turned and he looked at me...
He said "Mama made Christmas good at our house.
Though most years she just did without.
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes."
So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out...
I'll never forget the look on his face, when he said...
"Mama's gonna look so great...

"Sir, I want to buy these shoes, for my Mama, please...
It's Christmas Eve...and these shoes are just her size.
Could you hurry, Sir, Daddy says there's not much time...
You see she's been sick for quite a while.
And I know these shoes,would make her smile.
And I want her to look beautiful,
if Mama meets Jesus tonight..."

I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about...


  1. I have 72 Christmas CDs. That song is on none of them. Thank God.

  2. Call me insensitive, but I hate this song nearly as much as I hate "Butterfly Kisses." All that sappy sentimentality makes me sick.

    Give me Madonna singing "Santa Baby" any day.

  3. 1). I like this song when I'm in a specifically sappy place, at no other time.

    2). The only person who should be singing "Santa Baby" is Eartha Kitt....just sayin

  4. Glad to hear I'm not the only one who wants to stick an ice pick in my ear every time this comes on the radio. Although, I have to say it's good for a laugh every time a new person is exposed to it and reacts in much the same way.

  5. My apologies, Dale. You're right--Eartha Kitt's version of "Santa Baby" is definitive.

    See what a lack of caffeine will do to me?

  6. I like the way the song evokes this sort of "dickensian"character with the poor little boy. dirty from head to toe, clothes worn and old? why didnt he just ask the man for a bowl of porridge and be done with it? I hate this song almost as much as i hate those E-mail forwards that say for every person you forward to, Bill gates will suck off a cancer patient... or something like that

  7. This song plays. Every hour. At work. My average shift is eight hours. It's gotten to the point where it plays, but I hardly even hear it anymore. My mind is so traumatized by the sheer idiocy of this song that it has blocked it out. Yes, that's right, this song has single-handedly caused SHELLSHOCK.

    Good God. Please, just stop writing Christmas songs. Everyone. Just... stop. Anything you try to write to "recapture" the "spirit" of Christmas is going to, and it is inevitable, sound absolutely retarded. And by retarded, I mean, like it was written by an actual mentally-challenged downs-inflicted child.

  8. I was looking up this song because I hate it so much, and I'm glad I found your comments. But who is singing this song? Unfocused hatred is wasted energy. We need to know who is responsible for this atrocity. No one should be allowed to take a musical dump like this and remain anonymous. The radio stations don't even tell the singer. Perhaps it's a sin to say his name.

  9. Hmmm...seems like time again to pay homage to the godawful sappy christmas songs.

    I know I risk inviting harsh invective toward myself for saying this, but I'm thinking that Soldier's Christmas song is right up there with the Christmas Shoes song. (Thankfully I have never heard the Shoes song, but I had the misfortune of hearing the soldier song the other night).

    It's not that I don't appreciate the people who are put in great danger for the dubious sake of our country's freedom and security, but do we need a song that tries to make us cry about it?

    Am I a bad person?