Thursday, November 30, 2006

The Dumbest Christmas Song Ever Written

Now I am as sentimental as the next guy, especially when it comes to the combination of mothers and Christmas. But there is a Christmas song I have been hearing over the last 5 years or so that wins the Yuletide Velveeta Award for its oustandingly cheesy attempt at melodrama (I hate forced sentiment). And it's not enough that it is a crappy song, it's also a book, and a television movie starring Rob Lowe.

Obviously written to attempt a tug at the heart strings, "Christmas Shoes" simply falls way short and lands someplace between hokey and trailerpark. The premise: a little boy in a store on Christmas Eve buying a pair of "Christmas shoes" for his dying mother.

Yeahhhhhhhhhhh . . . . . . . .

If I was that close to death that my spouse would tell my children on Christmas Eve that there's "not much time" left, the last thing I want is a pair of new shoes - especially the kind that my 8 year old kid would buy me. I'm all for keeping children occupied during a crisis, but sending your son out to buy your wife a pair of pumps to wear when she "meets Jesus" is just a little too bizarre for me. The weird thing is that this song sounds alot like the Fruit of the Loom commerical where the Apple sings "You Can't Overlove Your Underwear" (only I like the underwear song more).

Here are the lyrics to "Christmas Shoes":

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line.
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood.
Standing right in front of me, was a little boy waiting anxiously.
Pacing 'round like little boys do.
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes...
His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe.
And when it came his time to pay,
I couldn't believe what I heard him say.

"Sir, I want to buy these shoes, for my Mama, please...
It's Christmas Eve...and these shoes are just her size...
Could you hurry, Sir, Daddy says there's not much time...
You see she's been sick for quite a while...
And I know these shoes, would make her smile.
And I want her to look beautiful, if Mama meets Jesus tonight..."

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically.
Then he turned and he looked at me...
He said "Mama made Christmas good at our house.
Though most years she just did without.
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes."
So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out...
I'll never forget the look on his face, when he said...
"Mama's gonna look so great...

"Sir, I want to buy these shoes, for my Mama, please...
It's Christmas Eve...and these shoes are just her size.
Could you hurry, Sir, Daddy says there's not much time...
You see she's been sick for quite a while.
And I know these shoes,would make her smile.
And I want her to look beautiful,
if Mama meets Jesus tonight..."

I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about...
.